Being in Relationship with a Narcissist (My Story cont. [Part 2/3])
Let’s Chat Afterglow #13
I think it is important, before we go any further, to take a moment to give a brief overview of the three most well-known types of narcissism. People seem to throw all their ideas and preconceived notions about narcissism into one hat, which is styled after malignant narcissism. I think this is in part due to the intense melodramas and true crime shows that focus on the “crazy”, “evil”, and “tortuous” narcissist because it makes for good tv. There seems to be a misunderstanding about the different types of narcissism. Not all narcissists are malignant. Malignant narcissism usually presents with the indicators of overt narcissism, possibly antisocial personality disorder, substance abuse, and symptoms unique to this diagnosis, which includes aggressiveness, vindictiveness, paranoia, hostility, and deriving pleasure from inflicting pain on others. This is severe and can make for a pretty scary movie. However, the majority of narcissists fall somewhere within the covert and overt types.
Covert narcissism, which is the most common type of narcissism, is also referred to as vulnerable or closest narcissism. Covert narcissists typically are highly self-focused, but they also harbor deep fear that they are not enough. They tend to stew about criticism and take it more harshly than intended. Other traits of a covert narcissist are that they are typically introverted, insecure, quickly defensive, and clingy, but will become distant when others try to set boundaries with them. They also have a high likelihood of experiencing anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and shame. Overt narcissism is sometimes referred to as grandiose or agentic narcissism. The overt narcissist overestimates their emotional intelligence and abilities, but will feel uncomfortable with emotions like sadness, worry, or loneliness. They tend to feel good about themselves as opposed to covert narcissists. The overt narcissist will be more outgoing, harsh, dismissive, overbearing, and rude. They have an exaggerated self-image and a constant need to be praised and admired and may come off as entitled. In the case of my father, I can see both covert and overt traits, but, when looking at the whole picture, I would have to say he was more a covert narcissist.
No matter the type, narcissism is toxic. All three types have a baseline of behavior and traits that are similar, across the board. Once again, there is no clear-cut, definitive definition of what every narcissist looks like or behaves like. You have to look at the big picture when trying to understand narcissism and narcissists.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a life changer, very rarely for the narcissist but always for the one in relationship with a narcissist. A narcissist will not change because they think that there is nothing about them that needs to change. They believe that they are always right and justified in the things they say, feel, and do, even when they are mean or cruel. It doesn’t concern them if it hurt you or that you may not be ok after an argument or confrontation because you deserved it. They don’t feel bad or sorry. It’s all about being right for the narcissist and being recognized for being right. Life is all about them, the universe and all the distant galaxies revolve around them. Everything that goes wrong will always be your fault. They never take the blame. Even if they get caught red-handed, they will figure out a way to turn it onto you, “it was because of you that I did this.” They will turn things on you faster than a cheetah late for dinner.
A narcissist will slowly and deliberately isolate you from family, friends, and the activities you enjoy. This way they don’t have to answer to anybody or be held accountable to anybody. My Dad took my Mom away from her family and moved her closer to his family where they thought he could do no wrong. She was always outnumbered. Eventually that distance in miles became distance in touches, fewer visits, reunions, holidays, and etc. And, when we did go to visit Mom’s family, he would make it so miserable for her that she got to the point where she said it wasn’t worth it. Mission accomplished. You may eventually not want to go anywhere with this person because of the fallout. It’s just not worth it so you start to decline invitations to go places or do things or spend time with loved ones. You find it easier to not have interactions with others, you begin to become a slave to this dark spirit and soon you find yourself estranged from family and friends, closed off from the world. Your existence becomes living to please the narcissist in your life even though that is impossible. At this point there is a very high probability that you are losing yourself or have already lost you.
The narcissist is consumed with people liking them, receiving compliments for the things they do, and being stroked for how good they are. The truth is that other people may not like being around this person. A narcissist has difficulty interacting with people and may come across as socially awkward. I abhorred the social events, the potlucks, church activities, and such that my Dad would attend. He brought a totally different spirit to me than I had when he wasn’t there. I was on pins and needles the whole time, waiting for someone to disagree with him or say something he didn’t like because he would cop an attitude and get smart with them. I knew I was going to have to put out the fire he stoked. He would almost always get offended. Narcissists easily feel slighted if they aren’t being the center of attention. I was always relieved when I knew he wasn’t coming. How sad is that? The most interesting part of this story is coming up.
My Dad and I played music together for 25 years. Most of that time was spent leading praise and worship, but we had years of playing concerts, providing music for special occasions, leading praise and worship for revivals, and so on. We were actually pretty good at it, but I was always a nervous wreck that something would go wrong; with the sound, with the setup (if anything of his was moved, he would throw a hissy fit), somebody being in my office when it was time for him to tune his guitar, him coming in with an attitude to start with, and the list goes on. He could be very rude to people, even in a church setting with people he led worship for, and never saw or thought for a minute that he was in the wrong or not being Christ-like. It was embarrassing. And here I was the pastor. Are you beginning to see a pattern of bad behavior here?
It didn’t change once we got on the stage and that all eyes were on us. If the sound affected his ability to perform, there was a scene, which I always tried to lighten up with humor, scripture, exhortations, or just fill in. I worried that someone in the congregation would say something he didn’t like because he would react harshly and be a first-class jerk about it. I used to say, “He isn’t good with people, but at least he’s good with God.” I was always making excuses for him or running as wing man to cover up for him. To be honest, I was surprised that God still used us to usher Holy Spirit in and to bless the people. It just goes to show that God is so faithful and that “the gifts and calling of God are without repentance” (Rom. 11:29, KJV). Dad was very much a Jekyll and Hyde. We always thought he was bi-polar because mental health ran in his family. But he thought there was nothing wrong with him and refused to take medication. I’m now convinced that it wouldn’t have helped him anyway because he wasn’t bipolar, he was a narcissist, and, currently, there is no medication that can help that.
It was especially difficult when I became a pastor. I still did praise and worship with him. I truly felt like I didn’t have a choice. Don’t get me wrong, I loved playing and singing unto the Lord, but I had other responsibilities as a pastor, which Dad never took into consideration because those things weren’t about him. When praise and worship went well, it was amazing and glorious. When it didn’t go so well, it was stressful and ugly. I despised the way this made me feel. I can’t tell you the number of Sundays I walked away from church sad, upset, and mad because of the narcissist in my life. I would get a phone call or visit on Monday, and I would have to listen and listen and listen. It was all about him and how he felt praise and worship went on Sunday. If he thought it went bad, which meant he thought he wasn’t at his peak performance, he was disappointed, upset, and down. If he thought it went great, which meant he was able to showcase his talent and people loved it and complimented him, he was excited, happy, and couldn’t wait to play again. I don’t know why I let him get to me for so long and rob me of so much joy and peace. I wasn’t going to change him so I should have worked harder at changing me and my reaction to him, which I eventually did, but not soon enough.
