Wendy Cleland’s Testimony

“My relationship with God was the missing piece.”

I have had mental illness all my life, even as a child. I look back now and know I was a very depressed and anxious child. My childhood was miserable. I can still look back and remember just how bad it was. Some people would love to go back to their childhood. Not me. If it had not been for my sister, I really don’t know what would have happened to me. I may have become a statistic like a lot of children who have completed suicide because of mental health issues. One of my greatest desires is to help families, who have a child that suffers from mental illness, to understand what is happening to them and how to navigate through the diagnosis or diagnoses. Of utmost importance is emphasizing that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

My sister was seven years older than me and I referred to her as my “prescription.” Back then (in the 70s), very little was known about mental illness. She was always there for me. I needed her so much. When she went off to college, I would call her every morning at 6:00am, every morning, crying hysterically. She would be up late studying, sometimes until 3:00am, but she never turned me away. She never got angry with me. She would come home every weekend instead of going out with her friends and partying. She knew something was wrong with me, but didn’t know what it was or what to do.

When I hit puberty, the hormone fluctuations made it worse. I would go and stay with her in her dorm sometimes. That was when I was my happiest. Anytime I could be with her, I was happy and content. She made me feel safe. She made me feel secure. When I got through puberty, things did get a little better, but it was still lurking there. I knew something was wrong with me. I knew I was different, but I had no idea what it was.

Then at the age of 23, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Shortly after that, I went into the hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The depression and mania were terrible. It came on very quickly, but I got on medication and things got a little better. Shortly after this, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder (BPD). With borderline I would be fine one minute and depressed the next. It was a total rollercoaster ride. There’s so much that comes with this diagnosis, many other symptoms like unstable moods, emotional dysregulation, bad relationships, and a deep fear of abandonment and rejection.

I received my diagnosis shortly after I married my now ex-husband. He was totally a gift from God. He was the best caregiver I could have ever asked for. I overdosed five times in the 25 years we were married and hospitalized countless times. I would slit my wrists and beat on myself, even giving myself black eyes, because the pain was so awful. My brain was completely chaotic, and so were our lives.

I put him through a lot, but he never made me feel like a burden or like I was crazy. He was a great support system. But eventually he couldn’t deal with things anymore, he wore down. It became too much for him so he divorced me. The rug was pulled out from under my feet. I was at my all-time lowest. I had to move to another city. My mental health was out of control, going in and out of deep depression. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep. That was how I escaped. That is how I have always dealt with depression.

I moved into a beautiful house my sister owns, which I was grateful for, but I was in so much pain. I didn’t want to live anymore. I had a suicide plan all thought out. I was full of intense anger. My sister is a pastor and I started going to her church. I was around happy people who were laughing and joyful, having a good time and it made me so angry. I was in a deep depression. I had totally lost all hope. I wanted out. I was full of crippling fear and anxiety. Life was not worth living. I just wanted the pain to stop.

My sister became my mental health advocate and learned as much as she could about mental illness and my diagnoses in particular. She saw the pain I was in and felt helpless. She wanted so badly to help me, but didn’t know how, a flashback to our  childhood. I was so sick. There was nothing she could do but pray. She got involved in my treatment and educated herself on my triple diagnoses and now she could be a psychiatrist. She is very knowledgeable on mental health and always my advocate.

It took a long time, but the pain started to dissipate. I have been here for five years now and am so much better. I am finally on the perfect “cocktail.” I have a great physician’s assistant who takes good care of me. She is a strong woman of God so we have really connected. As good as all this is, it wasn’t until I got close to Jesus that things really started to get better. My physician’s assistant told me that all healing ultimately comes from the Lord, Jesus Christ. That means by His divine healing, through medication, doctors, and spiritual mentors. This past year and a half I have gotten more stable than I have ever been in my life. There’s hope in medication, but our real hope is in Jesus Christ. The closer I get to Him, the better I feel. I will always have symptoms and will always take medication, but I feel good. There is hope and I have a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

I graduated from Bible College in 2021 with an Associate of Arts in Ministerial Studies and a minor in Biblical Studies. I will be ministering to other people who struggle with mental illness. I believe God allowed me to go through all I have been through to help others. That’s what He does. He wants us to help others with what we have been through. He turns the bad in our lives upside down for the good (Romans 8:28). If I hadn’t gone through all I have been through, I couldn’t help others or relate to them. I know what they are going through firsthand. I have something that professionals don’t have and that is personal experience. I want to be a part of the solution.

I recently moved into my own apartment, which I love. It was a while in the making, but I needed time to heal and gain the strength and confidence to know that I could do it. I couldn’t be happier. It’s just me and my cat, Puss, living life to the fullest. God is so good. I thank him daily for all His blessings.

Medication and a close walk with Jesus is exactly what I need. I will shout it from the mountain top. My main goal is to lead others to Jesus. There is no better calling. I now look forward to the future. I want to minister to the multitudes with mental health issues. It’s my dream. It’s my goal. It’s my life. And I believe that’s why I am still here.