Growing Up with a Narcissist (My Story [Part 1/3])
Let’s Chat Afterglow #12
The topic for this podcast series is narcissism. The word alone conjures up something inside of me that is not pleasant. I understand this topic personally because I grew up and have adulted with a narcissistic father. I will share parts of my story with you; however, I know my experience is not your experience. Every case has a different dynamic and there is no clear-cut way or formula to help resolve the problems that a narcissist brings to a relationship, but, we have a baseline and that is where we can start and work from. First of all, we have to be able to recognize and admit that we are in a narcissistic relationship. We are not talking about being in a relationship with someone who tends to be controlling, who is subject to temper tantrums, who is arrogant, selfish, and so on. While these things are not good in a relationship, these behaviors alone do not make someone a narcissist. There is more to it than that.
This adjective has become an all-too-often used label attached to somebody that is full of themselves, controlling, just a plain jerk or a mean person. Narcissism isn’t based on a few negative personality traits. It is an all-consuming spirit that doesn’t have room for somebody else in their life. The abusee’s feelings, opinions, interests, well-being; their very life doesn’t really matter. It is all about them. Here is a clinical definition, “narcissism is a personality disorder, a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.” I think that is putting it lightly. A true narcissist is incapable of empathy. When you are in a relationship where there is no empathy, there is a tilt towards narcissism.
A narcissist will talk down to you to make themselves seem superior. They elevate themselves above everybody and they are never wrong, never ever. You cannot correct them, reprove them, or criticize them because they are perfect, and they will not receive it or take responsibility for their bad behavior. They have to be the center of attention and if they aren’t, they will pout, leave, or act out. They are unhappy and downtrodden when they are not showered with accolades, talked up, or given special attention. The best you can hope for is that you can keep it all at bay by doing everything you think will make the narcissist happy; knowing that one mistake or misstep could cause an explosion of emotion with all the anger, belittling, and fault being put on you. You live your life walking on eggshells. I know this may seem harsh, but we need to be able to identify if it is truly a narcissist that you are dealing with because the slant for your healing, and the possible restoration, separation or termination of your relationship with said person will take a different path. So, please take note of what you are dealing with in your relationship. Note a pattern of this type of behavior.
Some of you are married to a narcissist. Some of you have narcissistic parents. Some of you have narcissistic siblings. Some of you have narcissistic children. Some of you may even have narcissistic pastors or spiritual leaders. When I came to the realization that I knew and engaged with a narcissist for 50 years, I was disgusted. Not at the narcissist, but at me for accepting it as “that’s just who he is, he’s not going to change,” making allowances for it, ignoring it, even appeasing it, and taking the abuse. Why did I do that? Why do we do that? A lot of us have done this or are doing it because we are peacemakers. We want to keep the peace, so we pacify this bad behavior. We let it go on. We think it’s better than the alternative, but when we do this, we actually feed the demon that we are trying to calm. I danced this dance for 50 years, until the day my father died. It was a slow dance. My hope is that by talking about this, you will be able to discover a different style of dance than I did, one that has a faster step count so you can move through your situation quicker and get to where you should be.
You deserve to live a beautiful life. God said so (John 10:10). So, how do you protect yourself from the abusive words and behavior of a narcissist? Typically, I would suggest setting boundaries, but you cannot set boundaries with a narcissist because they will not keep them. They will think they are ridiculous and unnecessary. Hence the only thing you can do is create your own boundaries, help yourself, and work at changing the dynamic of the relationship from your end so that you can deal better with it. I have a life example of this. I’m not like some of you who are still entrenched in the darkness, negativity, critical spirit, lonely place that narcissism can keep you. It might be a lot more complicated for you in your situation. Maybe you are in an intimate relationship with your narcissist, maybe you live with your narcissist, maybe you’re the only one left to care for your narcissist. I didn’t have to be up in it every day after I graduated from high school. I could come and go. I probably never would have gone around, but my Mom was worth the ugly that I felt. I couldn’t have her without him. But every time I went to see her, it ended up being all about him. If it wasn’t, he would sit off by himself staring into space making everybody feel uncomfortable, not interested at all with what we were talking about until it had something to do with him. For my own well-being, I had to create boundaries regarding my visits to the house and time with my Mom, whom I love more than anything in the world.
I limited my visits to the house so that my contact with him wouldn’t be as often. I wouldn’t go to the house if my Mom wasn’t there because she was the only reason I subjected myself to him to begin with. And I wouldn’t go there if he was in one of his funks. My Mom knew all this and understood. My father wasn’t going to change his behavior, especially in his house, so I had to create boundaries, make changes for myself. Changes that would help me. Unfortunately, I had to pay a price for my peace, and that was time with my Mom. I had to weigh the cost, which I did with much prayer and many utterances to God. I knew that God loved my father as much as he loved me so he would show no favoritism in his answers to me. God doesn’t take sides, but he understood my position and affirmed it. Making changes might cost you. Are you willing to pay the price for the product you are purchasing? My peace was worth it.
I always thought my Dad was a jerk, everything had to be about him or there was attitude, he considered himself perfect, he was judgmental and looked down on a lot of people, but I never thought of him as a narcissist until his death. I didn’t mourn his death and I couldn’t understand why. He wasn’t a horrible person. He loved the Lord with his whole heart and served him faithfully until the end. I knew he went to heaven the moment he took his last breath. But that knowledge wasn’t why I didn’t grieve. It wasn’t peace that I was feeling. I wasn’t feeling anything at all. I truly had lost my feelings for him because of decades of having a narcissist in my life and having to appease that spirit until it no longer had a vessel to dwell in. It was like a weight was lifted from me, I was relieved, and I felt so guilty for that. It wasn’t because he was no longer suffering, which I was so grateful for, it was more, it was something else. I didn’t understand this, so I had to do some soul searching. I didn’t want my heart or mind to be wrong. I didn’t want God to be upset with me or disappointed in me. I observed my family’s reaction to his death and there wasn’t much emotion there either. What was really going on here? In time, God revealed some things to me, and I had to work through them. I am sharing my journey in the hopes that it can help you with yours. Life with a narcissist is complex, but God can help us make sense of anything.
