Going Through Life w/a Narcissist (My Story cont. [Part 3/3])
Let’s Chat Afterglow #14
Most narcissists feel depressed and moody when they fall short of perfection. They have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation, and fear of being exposed as a failure. My Dad was an amazing guitarist and vocalist, he knew that, but he still needed someone to tell him that. On one hand, he was full of himself and a showoff, but, on the other hand, behind that mask of extreme confidence, was someone not sure of his self-worth and, as with most narcissists, had a very low self-esteem. I believe that’s why the slightest criticism was so upsetting to him. It was a false pride. He would get so down if it didn’t go the way he wanted it to go, maybe because the bass player was off, or the sound was off, or he was off, or people weren’t paying attention, and so on. It was always something. If I offered advice or my thoughts on it and said something that he didn’t like, he would get nasty and try to cut you with his tongue. So, to be honest, I let him get away with a lot more than I would have let anyone else get away with. Even if it was a little thing, he would turn it into a big thing and the next thing you know, he was going to quit and take all his equipment with him. It was like he was a child who was upset saying, “I’ll just take my ball and go home.” If I heard that once, I heard it a hundred times, never taking into consideration the position it put me in or the well-being of the people. Remember, a narcissist has no empathy for others. Talk about head games. That is narcissism. As long as I was doing and saying what he wanted me to do and say, everything was good. So, what do you start doing? You start agreeing with them on everything even if you don’t agree. That always made me feel like a hypocrite, but you come to a point where you will do anything to keep the peace. Luckily, I didn’t have to live under the same roof as him anymore. I could get a break, get right in my head and emotions, and be ready to go for the next time.
I never lost myself like some of you have from a steady diet of feeding off a narcissist. A narcissist will eat you up if you make him or her feel good about themselves, but they will spit you out if you go against the grain of their perfect image of self, which, as we have touched on, is usually an over exaggeration to compensate for the shame, disdain, and low self-esteem they harbor for themselves. My Dad liked people if they liked his music. He didn’t like people if they didn’t like his music. It was as simple as that. He would be nice to people if they gave him what he wanted even if he didn’t like them. He would be mean to people he supposedly loved because they didn’t say or do what he wanted them to say or do. I saw this a lot and always thought that he was a major hypocrite. I could not understand why he was like that. It was very confusing to me because of his position with Christ. He was a man who loved the Lord with his whole heart and knew and believed the Word of God vehemently. It was almost as though he didn’t hear himself or see himself the way that all of us did. He had forgotten the grace and mercy that God extended to him when he was out in the world doing the very things he now judged people for. I just couldn’t understand. It drove me crazy. My Mom told me often, “Shelley, stop trying to figure it out.” That was great advice because, in actuality, there is no way to make sense of the disorder of narcissism. There is no rhyme, but there might be a reason.
I had to consider that my Dad was the way he was for a reason. His upbringing was rough. He grew up with an alcoholic father who pounded on his mom, who was always in a rage, breaking and throwing things in the house. The verbal abuse was awful. Everybody thought of him as “the town drunk.” He reminded me of Otis from the Andy Griffith Show, but not as harmless. My Dad was a very good basketball player, and his Dad would come to his games drunk. He would sit in the stands and call him names, put him down, make fun of him, call him a mama’s boy, and etc. It took a toll on him, and I am sure contributed to his mental disorder. Most narcissists have suffered childhood trauma that made them feel small, irrelevant, and unloved and the devil turned that trauma into a retaliatory robotic spirit that is very hard to disarm, not impossible, because nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37), but very hard. Is it possible that a narcissist can’t help it? I believe there is some truth to that.
So, coming to terms with the fact that we are in relationship with a narcissist and understanding a lot about this personality disorder, why do we continue to subject ourselves to their abuse, especially knowing that there is not a high probability that they will change? Most likely it is because you love the person. Those of you who are married to a narcissist probably took vows something like this before God the day of your wedding, “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” What do you do with this? What does God want you to do with this? In my case, it was because, first of all, I didn’t want to make life harder for my Mom and, secondly, I didn’t want to dishonor my Father (Deuteronomy 27:16). We all have our reasons for staying. But what is God saying to us about our situation? This has to be about you because you can’t fix a narcissist, only God can. The narcissist in your life will continue to be a narcissist if you stay or if you go, if you confront or if you retreat, if you speak up or if you stay quiet, if you agree or if you disagree, if you are perfect or if you are imperfect; the narcissist will remain a narcissist. You cannot threaten them, sway them or give ultimatums to them and expect results. It is very rare to win a narcissist over. This has to be about you. How do you deal with it, cope with it, or live with it?
I didn’t know what I was dealing with until after my Father’s death, but I knew he was never going to change. My faith helped me handle my situation with grace and dignity, appeasing my father until the day he died. I didn’t realize that I demonstrated grace and dignity in my situation, mostly because of how I felt on the inside; angry, sad, guilty, disgusted, like a horrible person, and maybe even hateful. It took several people who were outside looking in to share their observations with me and respect for me on how I conducted myself when it came to my Dad that I began to cut myself a break. He was a lot to deal with. I did the best I could. It’s kind of odd realizing that I was in an unhealthy, toxic, and abusive relationship with him all those years while we were serving God together. The spirit of narcissism shows no mercy, but God does. God is so faithful “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
I know my Dad was saved and that he is in heaven, but…he left a wake in his path. I am well on my way to a complete healing, but it took some work. You have to learn how to reconcile or make sense of your emotions. You may need some help with this. Please reach out to somebody who can support you through this, whatever your “through” looks like. We are willing to be that somebody. You can go to the website (shelleystephensonministries.com) and leave a message. Our focus here is to help those who are affected by narcissism or in a relationship with a narcissist. We will support you, listen, empathize, share our experiences, and demonstrate the love and peace of God. There is hope and there is a way. His name is Jesus and Holy Spirit will guide us. Change is possible, maybe not for the narcissist, but for you. Let’s chat again real soon.
