Fathers and Daughters (My Story, Part Three)
Let’s Chat Afterglow #8
It didn’t take me long before I realized that my Dad was my biggest fan as long as I was doing what he wanted me to do, which was playing his music with him. Our relationship was contingent on that. If things weren’t going his way, he would take it out on me and if I pushed back at all, he would lose his mind. I don’t know why I didn’t walk away, but I didn’t. I wanted to so many times. But I loved the music. I loved playing and singing. I loved worshiping the Lord and, once in the spirit, my Dad and I made glorious music together. It was when we were not in that realm that it was difficult. But the Lord never released me. I was there until the end.
The Lord knows my heart. He knew the struggles I had with my Dad. But He loved my Dad as much as He loves me. My Dad was a powerful man of God, an incredible prayer warrior, a student of God’s Word, and sold out to Christ probably more than I ever will be. He treated his body like the temple of Christ, he didn’t eat anything that was unhealthy, all he drank was water, he exercised every day, and he didn’t watch tv. I am still a fan of my coffee, big steaks, potato chips and Nerds candy. I am not a fan of exercise and I have my favorite television shows. We actually had very little in common outside of our love for the Lord and the music. But, as my Dad got older, he began to take notice of me in other areas of my life and became very interested in everything I did. I would stop over to see my parents and he would want to know, in detail, how my life and ministry were going. He was an advocate for me in the ministry, very supportive, and he wanted me to be blessed. He became one of my greatest intercessors praying down heaven and busting up hell on my behalf. I miss his prayers. I can feel the absence of them. When my Dad passed away, I knew he was very proud of me for the woman of God I had become, the pastor that I was, and the gifts, outside of music, that I operated in. As he was taking his last breaths, I knew I was about to lose my biggest fan and, this time, it had nothing to do with what I could give him. It was all about me. He was so very proud of me. My how things had changed.
When my Dad died, I didn’t know what that would mean for the music. Out of respect for him, I didn’t do anything right away. However, it’s been nine months since I have picked up my guitar to play or sing any of our music. I sought God on the direction I was supposed to go and what it was supposed to look and sound like. But I wasn’t getting any answers or directives. I asked Him if it was time to get back into the game. A part of me felt like I needed to continue Dad’s legacy in honor of him, but the Lord told me clearly that I had already done that; 25 years of honoring him, 25 years of doing it his way, 25 years of laying myself down, my tour of duty was up. I know it sounds a little harsh, but it is my reality. I will not be picking my guitar back up or banging on my drums or trying to keep our music going. My Dad is doing that in heaven. He is being rewarded in glory for his music honoring the Lord on earth, he’s worshiping God’s holy name and having the time of his life in front of the throne. That is truly all that matters, and I am so very happy for him.
Sometimes I wonder if we put unrealistic expectations on our fathers. Our earthly fathers will all pale in comparison to the heavenly Father. After all, they are human beings prone to making mistakes like all of us. They are trying to find their own way and purpose. There is only one God the Father, Abba, who can meet all of our needs: emotionally, mentally, and relationally. Maybe we should cut them a break. The day I did that, my life lightened up, the walls came down and I now have a greater capacity to love.
Palm Sunday, April 10th , 2022, was the day the music died for my Dad as well as for me. I know he is playing and singing in the heavenly realm, but for me, while I am on this earth, I am done. I know there was purpose in the relationship between my Dad and me. I know we honored the Lord together. The Lord taught me so much about grace, mercy, patience, and forgiveness through our relationship. I am so very thankful for that. I have no regrets. I truly believe that I have kept the commandment to “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). And, in the end, all that counts is that I have pleased my heavenly Father.
