Codependency
Let’s Chat Afterglow #5
Disclaimer: The statements in bold are not widely accepted language anymore when talking about codependency
Codependency is a topic near and dear to my heart. Not that I suffer from codependency or ever have, but I have seen the terrible destruction this disorder can cause. It is one of the most difficult conditions to overcome. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker” [Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com]. The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members. As a matter of fact, I observe and treat as many codependent relationships between mothers and grown sons as I do intimate couples.
Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. This disorder has only been addressed in the past ten years after in-depth studies on interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Codependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior [Mental Health America, https://www.mhanational.org].
I was so surprised, actually a little shocked, when my guest for this podcast [Tracy McPherson, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC-S)] said that codependency is still not recognized as a clinical diagnosis. I do not understand this. There is no doubt in my mind that it should fall under the umbrella of personality disorders. We are fortunate that most of our mental health specialists and advocates recognize this characteristic in people and deal with it. It has to be addressed. It is the underlying cause of a lot of behavioral issues, addiction, and mental duress. It can be just as damaging to an individual or family as being addicted to an illegal substance or alcohol. Many times, when we try to get to the bottom of why someone is struggling with addiction, bad behavior, broken relationships, depression, and anxiety, it comes back to that one unhealthy relationship that is driving the train straight towards derailment. Still, it’s the last thing they want to jump off of or know how to jump off of. It’s not impossible, but it’s very difficult to leave.
I have ministered to a number of people, predominantly women, who have broken away, got sober, found a job, and began restoring relationships only to return to a toxic relationship that taints everything all over again. They lose their sobriety, their jobs, their families, their dignity, their independence, and their hope. You truly want to take hold of them and shake them back to reality, but this is their reality. Many times this reality is all they know. I don’t know what this feels like or how strong this spirit is. I used to say, “I would never put up with that”, “Why does he keep putting himself through this,” and “Why can’t she just leave?” It is actually not as simple as that. That was me being narrow minded, not understanding the depth of this disorder. If codependent tendencies are not dealt with, they won’t magically disappear. You can’t wish them away. It’s not as easy to “get over” as many think. It takes intense therapy and hard work for “the givers” in a codependent relationship to emerge victorious.
I don’t want to go too deep on the topic of domestic abuse, but it is the spirit of codependency, that, if it goes unnoticed or unaddressed, will cause the abused to return to the abuser time and time again. This is why so many are drawn to men and women who will continue to treat them horribly, the codependent disorder has not been dealt with. I honestly think there should be a support group that starts out with, “Hi. I’m Babs and I’m a codependent.” Actually, Alcoholics Anonymous was the first to recognize this trend or trait and other substance abuse circles soon followed addressing this underlying problem for the addict. They used the word “codependency” to describe a lopsided relationship that had been consumed and controlled by one person’s addiction, also known as enabling. Please don’t minimize this condition if you observe it in a friend or family member’s life. It is no small thing. Take it seriously, listen, and try to guide them in the right direction.
No one is too young to begin talking about it. Suicide is not a dirty word, nor are the people who succumb to it. They aren’t crazy, trying to get attention, or playing around. They are struggling with their mental health, it might be a temporary struggle due to their circumstances or situation, a recent tragedy, bad news, etc., but it is still a mental health issue. It may be due to a long-term mental health problem that has not yet been diagnosed or the right medicinal cocktail given. Regardless, it is a mental health issue. Church, please stop saying it is because of sin in someone’s life, disobedience, or rebellion. Please stop saying that people who kill themselves are going to hell because they have completed the unpardonable sin. Who gave you the right to label this sin as the unpardonable one? Yes, it is a sin, the sin of murder, but no worse than any other sin. Do you label it as unpardonable because one cannot ask for forgiveness before completing the sin and in death have no chance of asking for forgiveness after? What about the Christian man who is in the act of adultery, who has a heart attack, and dies? He did not have the chance to ask for forgiveness. Is he in hell? What about someone who has been stealing office supplies from their work place who is killed in a car accident on the way home who has not asked for forgiveness? Is she in hell? Should I go on because I can. Jesus died for all our sins, past, present, and future. From the cross, Jesus said, “It is finished” (John 19:30). No other sacrifice would ever be needed. Sin had been atoned for, all
Even though codependency is not accepted as a diagnosis, it has to be treated. It is interesting to me that therapists and spiritual leaders deal with someone who is codependent in the same manner. We attempt to build up their self-esteem and self- worth, which I do by pointing them towards biblical truths and the love and acceptance of Christ. A couple of verses that I share with them are, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that one gets justice” (Proverbs 29:25-26) and “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10). My hope is that I can help people find their true identity in Christ, not in a man or woman. Our identity in Christ is something that no one can take away from us, we just need to lay hold of it and walk in it. It’s easier said than done sometimes, but it’s the only way to truly break the spirit of codependency, to walk in confidence knowing that “he hath made us accepted in the beloved” (Ephesians 1:6).
